One Crazy Czech

Seriously, I love to laugh… and certain people have the ability to strike my funny bone (much like a doctor taking that rubber mallet to your knee to check reflexes)

Peter possesses this talent. Let me take a minute to describe the many ways he displays his comedic powers:

Peter – The Chef
This doesn’t sound very funny, but I assure you… I’ve actually fallen to the floor laughing while in his kitchen. He’s what you might describe as a… hum, picky eater. So, when it comes to a foodstuff he’ll eat… he purchases it in bulk. I do mean BULK. He orders oats, rice, and couscous from a farm in Kentucky. It is like he’s housing livestock… there are feed-bags in his breakfast nook!

He also has a Hot Sauce collection that will rival any Mexican/Thai/Spicy food restaurant. (If you’ve seen the 1st date scene in the movie “Along Came Polly”… when Ben Stiller is sweating through his shirt… well, this is Peter & his hot sauce, aka “man sauce” dinners). And, I’m not going to even start on his fancy-shmancy coffee/espresso/cappuccino maker (which I’m scared to touch… Jen, I know you can relate here).


Fortunately, he a great cook. I often enjoy homemade pizza, baked pasta, Brazilian style rice & beans, oatmeal creations (various combinations of oats, peanut butter, nutella, honey, flax seed, olive or almond oil), yummy breads and cheeses, etc… oh, if you could only see how much of the listed items he can put away (and with such speed)! Once, while eating, he noted how long it was taking me to finish the meal.
“Well, I take smaller bites… I enjoy the taste, texture… I chew…”
“What?!” he said, “you chew… how do you chew rice?!”
“What?! You don’t chew,” I cried back.
“I only chew food that’s too big for me to swallow whole. I like to give my stomach a work out while I’m digesting,” was his serious explanation.


Peter – The Performer
He can sing, dance, and do dramatic readings… just not well, according to normal standards. But, he does them with pizzazz and conviction!
As far as his singing goes… Do you know of William Hung (famous American Idol contestant, of Asian decent, who did “She Bang, She Bang”)? Well, let’s put it this way. Peter thinks he’s good. Not good, like funny good. Peter thinks William’s got actual talent. One of Peter’s favorites to sing, “It’s a Beautiful Day,” by his favorite band: U2. There is no possible way to describe it here in writing. He says that, to himself (in his own head), he sounds just like Bono! Sure Peter, keep telling yourself that.

Peter’s dancing pretty much parallels his singing. He and William Hung would make a mean duet. Those Czech hips just don’t lie. I don’t think his momma gave him much to shake… nor does he have a booty.

The dramatic readings are something to behold. I think it began when I was having a “down day.” In an attempt to cheer me up… he grabbed a nearby cereal box and began reading the back. Not just reading, but passionately reciting the text with fervor and hand gestures. I’ll never look at a box of Kashi GoLean Crunch the same again.

Peter – The Model
This falls in line with his talents in the arts, above. I attribute his modeling skills to his European-ness. He is super picky about what he wears, how it looks, if it matches, etc… I’ll run in just about anything – I mean, it’s a workout… I’m going to get sweaty. Well, somehow, in Peter’s world… the road is his runway. He dresses up for the catwalk. He decides on running shoes and sunglasses according to what he’s got on for the run. Rudy Project would be proud to see him flying down the streets in Moore, SC!

One of my favorite Peter quotes: Once, I commented that a certain shirt looked nice on him.
His response, “I know, I can make anything look good.”
(Fyi, it was said in complete seriousness)
He followed it with, “even goggles look good on me.”
I’m sure at this point, I was having trouble breathing.
Self confidence is NOT an issue here, obviously.

Peter – The Czech Language Teacher
I’m intrigued by anyone who can speak multiple languages. Sometimes, I’ll even get on a kick and try to learn some new words. I’ve quickly learned that Czech is the most difficult and confusing language EVER created. During a ride one day, I asked Peter to teach me some Czech phrases.
*disclaimer: NONE of the Czech words will be spelled correctly… I’m writing them phonetically.
“Ok,” he said. “Doa Prava… To the Right.”
“Doa Lava… To the Left.”
Easy enough… I spent many rides practicing my new words. I directed us around the streets… Doa Prava, Doa Lava… then I made a slight slip, a mispronunciation… Doa Pradilla. Oops, don’t know where that came from.
Peter almost fell off his bike laughing. “WHAT?!!! Did you just say ‘Doa Pradilla?’ Do you know what that means?!”
No, I definitely don’t know what that means.
“You just said, ‘up the @$$’!!!”
Are you kidding me… Doa Prava is ‘to the right” and Doa Pradilla is “up the @$$?” yeah, I’d say that’s a slip up. My bad. “Well, let’s go Doa Prava… definitely not Doa Pradilla.”

His father, Jiri, came over from Czech last December. Jiri got quite a kick out of my Doa Pradilla mistake. Then, taking advantage of my Czech ignorance… Jiri taught me, what he called a Czech lullaby. “Stirgi mishki yedna girsa… yeh na dru ha per dil lisha……”
I worked hard to memorize the whole song. The 3 of us sang it together… and I finally got it mastered.

Then, months later… some Czech tri-friends came to stay with Peter. Gabriela Loskotova and her boyfriend, Jirka. Goodie, time to practice my Czech. Peter had me sing the “lullaby.” Ohmygosh did they laugh. So I found out what I was really singing about: rats stuck in a hole together, licking each other’s ___holes. Awe, how soothing.

Other words I’ve picked up:
Horshitza = mustard (I can remember this one ‘cuz it sounds like Horse$h!*)
Jak se maz = a greeting (Used by Borat in the movie)
Turpaslik = yard gnome (a very useful word, I’m sure I’ll get around Prague with this one)

Other jobs Peter has mastered:
Dog sitter
Landscaper
Home builder
Computer Programmer
Spinning Instructor
Wedding Coordinator and Videographer (no joke, someone did hire him to help plan a wedding and then take the video… I’m sure the commentary is priceless)
DJ
Coach
Bartender (yes, he even has his bartending license)
Bike Mechanic (very, very handy)

All said, I think his true talents lie in triathlon! Peter… you have many gifts; you are “special.” But, stick to the swimming / biking / running combo!