Gay, European, or Triathlete?

You help me decide. The following is a list of qualifying statements. Which male classification do they seem to depict?


Techno Music: appropriate for any hour of the day.

In your opinion, most Americans are fat and lazy.

At your house, clothing is optional… and you’re not afraid to change outdoors, in public parking lots, poolside, etc…

To you, Coffee is a food group.

When asked the question, “Who’s your favorite team?” You answer with something like: CSC, Credit Agricole, Quick Step, T-Mobile, or Rabobank.

When it comes to body image, you’re worse than an anorexic high school cheerleader on diet pills. You constantly weigh yourself and obsess over extra pounds.

Drugs? Yes please!… as long as they’ll make you faster, less inhibited, relieved of pain, energized, lighter, or totally relaxed.

When going for a run, you take serious time picking out matching shoes/shorts/sunglasses. When going out for a ride, you’ll spend precious time searching for the jersey that goes with the bibs you’re wearing. The process is stretched out further when you must determine which sunglasses look best with the chosen apparel. Hello! You never know who you might meet or see while out on the roads.

Preferred style of bathing suit = Speedo

You own an espresso maker, you know how to use it, you collect espresso cups, and you can drink 3 cups in a row without getting the shakes.

You use sunscreen on a daily basis… who wants premature wrinkles?!

You shave your bikini line.

While some people consider a fun night with friends as: getting together at a smoky bar, to eat greasy/fried appetizers (ie: wings, nachos, fries, onion rings, loaded potato skins, etc…), and watching football…. You would prefer to host friends at your house, cook dinner, and enjoy conversation over good wine.

Footwear is serious business.

You don’t see anything wrong with having a calendar featuring nude models hanging in your entryway.

“Lube” is often on your shopping list (oh yeah, I went there).

While amongst a group of average Americans, you feel like a minority.

When you tell people about your weekend plans, they look at you like you're crazy… (this could be due to your heavy accent, or the actual plans you’re describing)

You’re feeling slow and sluggish… maybe you need to hydrate?! (fyi, Hydrate is a very popular gay club in Chicago)

You have no problem asking, another guy, what products are best to prevent chaffing… “down there.”

While in a pack of males, you might be spotted “cruising.” Then, as you attach yourself to the hindquarters of the chosen guy… you pant, sweat, and drool… all the while, trying to stay on his butt.


So, as you’ve probably concluded… these statements seem to describe two, if not three of our male groupings. Beware the Gay European Triathlete, I’m sure he’s out there somewhere.